Dear M. Night Shyamalan,

I recently paid money to see “The Happening.”  

You know those people who go through life thinking that everything happens for a reason, that whether it’s Fate or God or some Sentient Energy Stream pulling the strings, every single occurrence, from the sip of tea we take first thing in the morning to the mosquito you kill as its biting you at dusk, serves a specific purpose in Existence?  And that consequently, as we wither away into old age, we can look back on life’s events, from the most miniscule events to its most grandiose peaks, and have no regrets?  Well?  I am not one of those people.  In fact, I am often filled with regret, and after seeing your “movie”, I was not only filled with regret, but contempt.  

Now, I am not a filmmaker.  Why?  Because I would suck at making films.  I would wake up and say to myself:  ”You know what film needs to be made?  A film about a cataclysmic nuclear event where a family of stray Grizzly Bears swims in a contaminated lake and develop gills and webbed paws.  This family of water breathing grizzlies then takes to the open ocean, only to find themselves in an epic territorial battle against a school of great white sharks, who have likewise been accidentally gifted with the ability to foresee the future.  These prophetic great whites are being hunted by a team of evil Russian scientists, who are secretly being funded by a megalomaniac survivalist living deep in Alaskan interior, who is actually a deposed Croation Prince seeking revenge on the World.  Eventually, the Grizzlies and the Great Whites realize  (by looking into the future) that the only way to survive is to join forces, lure the Russians into a battle at sea, and eat them all.  

YES.  My film would suck.  It would cost billions of dollars to make, and scores of animals and extras would die in the process making my film.  But see, I have the foresight not to let this film see the light of day.  And I would definitely not want to be in my film.  

M. Night Shyamalan, all I ask is that you exercise restraint, take a break, take ten years off.  From my ill-informed perspective as a non-filmmaker, it is my theory that you wrote the happening while sitting on the toilet with your laptop reading headlines about how the honeybees have mysteriously disappeared.  Had you executed a number 1, The Happening might never have happened.  But perhaps an odd twist of fate–too much chinese takeout the night before or an allergic reaction to dairy–may have kept you on that toilet for 25-30 minutes, allowing you to build those headlines about honeybees into a whole movie script.  

Now I suffer the consequences.  I have to face my friends and family and admit that I willingly watched your film in the theater, albeit because of the company I was with.  But I’m not here to point fingers at anyone.  I’m here to let you know that if you ever, ever want to make another movie, please contact me first.  I have a very workable draft of “Grizzly vs. Great White” for you.  

Yours Truly,

Cindy