Dear Gratuitous Hipster Moustache,

I realize that my lonely cry into the dark against the perseverance of the hipster crustache will most likely go unheeded, but I feel duty-bound to devote this mini-missive to those who would insist on taking what is at best a humorous nod to the 19th and early 20th centuries and allowing it to walk the streets of the 21st.  The hipster crustache, as it shall henceforth be known, looks eerily similar to those found in early 20th century portraiture.  

Fig. 1

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This image, though you may think it is a new indie supergroup from Montreal, is actually a picture of railway workers from the early 1900s!  These moustached gentlemen, with their fine waistcoats, ties, vests, and handkerchiefs, actually worked with their bare hands to maintain the early rail systems.  They wear moustaches as a symbol of their rugged manhood, genteel virility, and readiness to mate.  I believe the modern hipster crustache likewise endeavors to attach these qualities to itself.

Fig. 2

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Unfortunately, the modern hipster crustache fails to achieve equivalent levels of manliness as established by their late 19th and early 20th century predecessors.  While this species of facial hair denotes a certain aloof yet overstated willingness to mate, the necessary corollaries of virility and manliness remain sadly absent.  

I am no expert on facial hair, being unable to grow any myself, but in the unlikely event that a super virus eradicates all men from earth except two, one who wears a hipster crustache and one who doesn’t, I am positive that the one without the crustache will get laid more.

Best Regards,

Cindy