Dear Ex-Landlord,

I recently finished re-cleaning an already clean apartment, just so you could have the satisfaction of knowing that you could make me do something insane because you still have my security deposit.  Now, I am a pretty reasonable person, and if you refund my deposit in full with interest, I will eventually stop caring that you are an evil control freak.  However, if you choose to withhold one red cent of my money, I will go into revenge mode, which I warn you will not be pretty.  

You see, there are few things in this world that can sustain anger in me.  I tend to be more of the spiteful type, eeking out small retributions for mild irritations in my own little ways.  But you, ex-landlord, have triggered something more base in me, something almost primeval in nature, and fecund with rage.  In this case, mere spite will not suffice.  

Under the normal influence of spite, I would fashion a charm out of something dear to you, a toilet plunger perhaps, or a 2-yr lease, and channel the powers of the Dark Lord to plague your home with walls that will never be completely white, countertops that will never shine like new, wood floors that are permanently dusty, and a bathtub and toilet that will never be free of hard water stains.  Additionally I would ask He Who Shall Not Be Named to teleport all of your dishes and countertops to another dimension, forcing you to eat off the never fully-clean floor, only to then try and wash your hands in a sink whose water will always be slightly brown.  Yes, these things I would ask The One True Evil to do, if in fact I was only feeling spiteful toward you.  

Unfortunately for you, you have ignited a deeper rage, one that transcends good and evil; the flames of which no god dare approach.  Nay, instead of such petty little tortures, I will invoke your true name and emblazon your likeness here, on the world wide parchment, for all to see.  

Let this image be a warning to all of you would-be renters out there!  This is what John Wright looks like in his true form.  Cower in the shadow of his clown-like hair!  Fear his white tennis shoes!  And shudder at the many pastel-colored polos he is known to wear as light armour.  

You see John Wright, with your true nature exposed, your power will wane in this world.  May the gods have mercy upon your soullessness.  

Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch’intrate!

Cindy

Dear Transportation Security Administration,

In this post-9/11 world, I understand the great lengths to which this noble country must go to protect the freedoms that too many of us take for granted on a daily basis. I, personally, realize that these freedoms come at a price, a price too high to tally or itemize. In fact, to try to even quantify the cost of freedom would be crass, vulgar, and disrespectful to the memories of those who have paid with their lives for the freedom of not only Americans, Iraqis, and Afghanis, but really, everyone everywhere since the dawn of time. 

It is for this reason that I do not fault you for my recent losses while traveling across our great nation. In fact, I believe that it is in the service of freedom that the TSA reappropriated my Battlestar Galactica: Razor DVD and Star Trek: Captain’s Log DVD. For this honor, I am eternally grateful, and am glad to have done my part to secure the freedom of the world, nay, the universe! For I believe that my DVD’s were recommissioned in order to help train military assets in your top-secret “Operation Intergalactic Freedom” program. 

I have long suspected that while our freedom on this earthly plane has remained secure, we are daily threatened by invisible, intergalactic beings who can only have the most sinister designs for America, and Earth at large. While I believe the training simulations run at prison camps like Abu Ghraib represent an effective start on how to deal with Alien invasions, truly, such training becomes elementary when compared to the undoubtedly advanced technology of the alien hordes who lurk just outside our galaxy’s borders. 

It is for this reason that I believe our soldiers need the wisdom and counsel of great future leaders like Captain Kirk, Captain Picard, and yes, even Captain Janeway. The diplomatic expertise of these collective leaders demonstrates the type of intellect, savvy, and sensuality necessary for making first contact with hostile alien forces. Soldiers must learn that before we resort to violence, we must present the guise of diplomacy, and lure the hostile aliens into thinking that Earth’s domination is, for lack of a better phrase, a sure thing. Just think of Janeway’s ingenius defeat of the Borg. She willingly ignored the sanctity of the temporal prime directive in order to achieve a greater good–the safety of humankind, and the safe return of her ship to the Alpha quadrant. Or consider Picard, whose intellectual curiosity and charming accent helped smooth over many a diplomatic nightmare with hostile species like the Cardassians and the Romulans. Once we have lured the alien forces into the comfort of our loins of freedom, we can then use the great military experiences of Admiral Adama as a guiding light for how to ultimately bring democracy to the universe. 

As you of course know, Adama’s universe was once foolish enough to assume that their Cylon neighbors were no longer a threat. Lulled into a comfortable freedom coma, Adama’s world was nearly completely annihilated by an unexpected Cylon invasion. Cylons, with their complete lack of compassion, would not hesitate to behead a baby if it meant there would be one less human on Caprica. What did we learn from all this? We have learned that aliens cannot be trusted, no matter how physically attractive they might seem, and that ultimately, the only thing that can save our humanity is the continued dissemination of democracy across the universe. 

In order to do this, we must first secure the borders of the Milky Way. Whether this means building a giant, energy barrier around the giant swirl we are proud to call home, or sending an army of drone aircraft to patrol our borders, we must make intergalactic freedom our highest priority. I, for one, am firmly behind Operation Intergalactic Freedom 100%, and indeed, if you should ever need my expertise in military strategy, I willingly volunteer my humble services. 

And truly, TSA, should you ever need to borrow more of my military training videos, all you have to do is ask. I’ll even bring popcorn. 

Sincerely,
Cindy

Dear Julie Lund,

 

monochromatic

You seem nice, and do a pretty decent job of delivering the local news.  Unfortunately, I can barely concentrate on the news you deliver because the color of your hair nearly perfectly matches the color of your skin.  I’m not sure if it’s the lighting of Fox studios, or some strange illusion coming from the color balance of my television screen.  But even in this press photo, you can see how your hair color/skin color meld dangerously into a single, monochromatic orangish-blonde tone.  I feel this monochromaticism vastly undermines the integrity of your newscast, and could easily be remedied with a good colorist, and less bronzer.  If you would like a salon referral, please let me know.  

Best of luck,

Cindy